I got an extension cord on the way home from work last night so I could plug in my shiny new elliptical and fully enjoy its assortment of high-tech shit. So I plugged it in, the computer went *meep meepmeepmeep*, something in the ass end of the machine went *vrrm vrrm*, and the screen on the computer lit up… and said “ERROR 1.” I tried the machine out briefly to see how badly this impaired things. It let me run programs, and it would let me set a time or calorie or distance goal, but it wouldn’t change the resistance.

“Crap,” I said, and fetched the manual to see what the hell ERROR 1 meant.

“When the computer displays ERROR 1,” said the manual, “please check if the motor is good and if the motor wires connect well.”

“Uh-oh,” I said.

Because here’s the thing: you can’t really check the motor because it’s enclosed in the ass end of the machine, so hearing it go *vrrm vrrm* and nodding sagely was the only real checking of the motor I could do.

Which left the wires. Which are actually a ribbon cable that goes down the inside of the front post. There are two places where a plug was connected during assembly. The first, and easiest to get to, and thus the first one I unplugged and replugged, is the one at the computer end. Slide computer back out of its little bracket, unplug the plug, replug the plug.

*meep meepmeepmeep*

*vrrm vrrm*

“ERROR 1,” the computer said.

“SONOFABITCH,” I said. Because the other plug? The other plug I had to check? Do you know where that plug is?

In order to check this plug, I had to take those little silver covers off where the lower handlebars connected to the pedal bars… then disconnect the handlebars from the pedal bars… then remove four big bolts I had tightened the shit out of, which connected the front post to the main body of the machine… then carefully ease the front post up and lay it on a chair so that the stupid cable can stay connected without me having to hover the damn post over its mount, because I have not yet evolved far enough to sprout the extra pair of arms that’s really ideal for this step of the assembly.

So I did this, and I got the front post on a chair without accidentally yanking the cable out (and with my luck, it would have given at whatever point it connected to inside the bowels of the machine where I had no chance in hell of reaching), unplugged the plug there, and found a single bent pin.

I unbent the pin and plugged the plug in.

*meep meep*

*vrrmvrrmVRRM*

Ooo? That was different. I looked at the computer.

“MANUAL,” it said.

“WOOHOO,” I said, and set about putting the machine back together. I hopped on to test it out (and I do still need to take the pedals back off–I put them on backwards and should probably move them back a notch anyway) and all is well.

I leave you with a bit of amusing Engrish from the manual:

NOTE: It is suggested to cover your finger within the marked region to select functions in case of any wrong action

O_o