1. Wake up.
  2. Check outside temperature by feeling the nearest window.
  3. Cry.
  4. Get up anyway.
  5. Eat Gu, drink water, take preemptive Advil while watching news, which is currently telling you all about the weather: how cold it is now, how cold it will be later that day, and most of all, that it’s going to snow, which does not happen in your locale.
  6. Cry.
  7. Get dressed: shoes, socks, tights, long-sleeved base layer, tech tee, gloves.
  8. Go outside.
  9. Procrastinate by petting friendly stray cat.
  10. Go downstairs.
  11. Cry, go upstairs.
  12. Don nylon warm-up suit over clothing.
  13. Go downstairs. Ah, much better.
  14. Feel self-conscious about swishing noises you make as you walk.
  15. Arrive at track at the park across the street.
  16. Notice that you are the only person at the entire park across the street.
  17. Wonder what this says about your sanity.
  18. Begin to catch full brunt of arctic wind.
  19. Put up hood, shiver, decide to just walk today.
  20. Figure since you’re already out here, you might as well run a mile and then you’ll go home.
  21. Pretend to be Samus Aran to get self through first mile when legs go “oh God you can’t be serious about this running shit.”
  22. Figure since you’ve already run a mile, you might as well finish the first 25-minute run interval of your Gateway to 8K podcast and then you’ll go home.
  23. Shuck off jacket, tie sleeves around waist. Consider shucking off warm-up pants, realize a) you’ll have to sit down to do so and if you do that you will never move again and die out there in the cold, and b) you have nowhere to put pants you’re not wearing.
  24. Pretend to be Samus. Try not to imagine warning popping up on your visor that your suit is running low on power.
  25. Reach end of first 25-minute interval… at the point on the trail that is the farthest from your apartment.
  26. Cry.
  27. Figure since you’ve already run one 25-minute interval, you might as well run one more mile and then you’ll go home. Really. You mean it this time.
  28. Abandon pretending to be Samus when all you can think about is how nice it would be to go into morph ball form and just roll around the track.
  29. Distract self by thinking about how at least there isn’t anyone else here to hear your pants swishing.
  30. Figure since you’ve already run another mile, you might as well finish the fucking 25-minute interval and then you WILL go home because that’s all there is to the run.
  31. Again ponder and abandon the idea of removing pants.
  32. Obtain something small and painful in your shoe (a small pebble, or perhaps a large seed of some sort) that lodges itself right under your arch. Manage to nudge it over to less painful areas through a series of stupid little dance steps.
  33. Think about Christmas.
  34. Think about delicious mocha banana smoothie you will make when you get home.
  35. Think about anything but the possibility that the next race you are signed up for may take place under similar weather conditions to the ones you are dragging your ass through right now.
  36. Finish second 25-minute run interval.
  37. Suddenly become ice cold again. Untie jacket from waist; don, zip, and raise hood.
  38. Cry.
  39. Stretch.
  40. Go home.
  41. Put on warm, dry clothes. Make smoothie. Lie down with frozen peas on shins.
  42. Decide to kill weatherman if his prediction that Sunday’s temperature will be in the 60s does not come to pass.

Comments are closed.