Ultima Scenes We'd Like To See

Some of this shit actually happened and is only slightly embellished; some are pure fantasy but could well have happened...

Dupre: I must have ale!
Selece: ...Dupre?
Dupre: Bring to me a woman!
Selece: ...hey, I think he's okay!
Dupre: I shall slay you all!
Selece: ...or not. Yeek.

(Interesting conversation with Dupre after the trapping of the Banes)

Sentri: Say, Shamino, art thou still spending thy time dressing in womens' clo--
Selece: Sentri! Look! A dirty diaper!
Sentri: Aieee! *flees* I give up! Mercy!
Shamino: Heh.

(Selece discovers dirty diapers)

Shamino: Poo...not that I'm talking about settling down right now, mind you...but I was thinking--I'd kind of like to have a child someday. What do you think?
Amber: Well, I--
Selece: Amber! Look! A dirty diaper!
Amber: Aieeee! *flees* Thou wilt pay for this!! I'll have my revenge! Thou wilt regret this day!
Shamino: *sigh* I guess that's a "no."
Selece: Heh.

(Remnants of a silly childhood crush rear their ugly heads)

Selece: *pant* *pant* That was close. Everyone okay? ... ...Tseramed.
Tseramed: Huh?
Selece: Where's your backpack?
Tseramed: ... ...uh...well...I dropped it.
Selece: You. Had. All. Our. Food.
Tseramed: So I did...sorry.
Selece: Great. ...? Hey, where's the Firedoom Staff? Who the hell had the Firedoom Staff?
Shamino: ...er, I did.
Selece: You did? As in, past tense?
Shamino: Well, yes.
Selece: JEEZIS! Guys, how many times do I have to tell you--if you must flee in terror, DON'T drop your backpacks, DON'T drop your armor, and DON'T drop the cool magical shit!! What's wrong with you!?

(Selece berates the party for dropping stuff in the Test of Courage)

Selece: Hey, guys. I'm done. Let's get out of--
Shamino: To the death!
Selece: OH SHIT!!!
Iolo: Vultures will pick thy bones!
Dupre: Thy blood will soil the land!
Selece: Guys? GUYS!? Can't we all just get along!?

(Selece forgets to get out of combat mode before asking people to rejoin)

Selece: Ahh. Dinner time! ... ... ... uh oh. We've only got three legs of mutton. Ah well. In Mani Ylem! ... ...er. ... ... Here, Iolo. Have some butter.
Iolo: Gee. Thanks a lot.

[some hours later in combat]

Iolo: *twang*
Selece: Urk! *die*
Iolo: Oops. So sorry. Heh.

(Selece learns not to venture into a dungeon without a good supply of real food)

Selece: Hmm...Fawnish Ale?
Iolo: Careful, I've heard bad things about that stuff.
Selece: Bah. *glug* BLEAH! *spit* *yak*
Dupre: Heh. Thou art a lightweight, Avatar. *glug* Pfffzzz! *yak*
Shamino: AAH! Mine boots!
Selece: Hee.

(Fun with Fawnish Ale)

Selece: Woop, bread's done. *puts on oven mitts, reaches into oven*
Iolo: Is that virtuous!?
Selece: ...? Huh. *reaches into oven again*
Iolo: Avatar!?
*oven begins to belch forth smoke*
Selece: Iolo, I have to take it out! It's turning black! *reaches into oven*
Iolo: Is that virtuous!?
Selece: Look, you, it's on fire! *pulls flaming lump of ex-bread out of oven and stomps on it*
*fire brigade arrives*
Willy: Thou art fired!
Selece: D'oh.

(A failed venture into the food service industry)

Shamino: Why, he cured a --er, particular problem I had in no time at all!
Iolo: Oh? What problem was that?
Shamino: Never mind. The whole world does not need to know about it.
Selece: ...! One of those problems, was it?
Shamino: ...

(Hints are dropped that Shamino is not nearly as innocent as he looks)

Kissme: Kissme! Kissme!
Dupre: Vile wench!
Spark: I'll kiss her!
Dupre: No, no, it's too perilous!
Spark: Can't I have just a little peril?
Dupre: No.
Spark: ...I bet you're gay.
Dupre: No I'm not!!

(There is no excuse for this.)

Selece: *calls Hound of Doskar* Here, boy. Good boy. Here, sniff this wooden sword...
Hound: *sniffs* *lifts leg*
Selece: NO! Bad dog!
Hound: *whine*

(Even the Hound of Doskar must heed the call of nature. It could be worse...)

Selece: *calls Hound of Doskar* Here, boy. Good boy. Here, sniff this--
Hound: *wanders over and starts --er, getting friendly with Dupre's leg*
Dupre: HEY!!
Selece: BAD DOG!!

(I told you so.)

Selina: Well, I'll just use my Blink ring to escape! See you at the inn! *blink*
[mayhem ensues]
Selece: *pant* *pant* Shamino?
Shamino: Yes?
Selece: The third list, please?
Shamino: *sigh* *rummage* Here you are.
Selece: Thank you. *scribble*
Dupre: What's the third list?
Selece: The "People Who Have Tried To Kill Me For No Adequately Explored Reason" list. Let's see...Shmed: dead. Lydia: dead. Kalen: dead. Simon: dead. Selina: *scribble* THE BITCH MUST DIE.
Dupre: Ah.

(Selece starts getting a little peeved about all the people just up and trying to bump her off in SI)

Selece: Okay, Olon. How would you describe the character of the accused?
Olon: ...huh? Sorry, Ossifer...couldya repeat that?
Selece: ... ...Olon, have you been drinking?
Olon: Hyep. Hey, Dupre, let's sing that drinking song you taught me! Roll thy leg over, roll thy leg over...
Selece: Hooboy...maybe that wasn't such a hot idea...ah well, it's okay.
Dupre: It's OKAY!?
Selece: Relax. I've got everything under control.
Dupre: Oh shit. I am so dead.

(Things are not going so well at Dupre's trial)

Lord British: Avatar, for what reason art thou brandishing that black sword in my presence? ... ...and when didst thou have that sex-change operation!?

(something that just ain't explained...)

Selece: Ugh.
Devon: Ah, you're finally awake.
Selece: Uh. *rolls over* ...! Something...isn't...right. *looks down* AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!
Devon: Are you all right?
Selece: Oh shit...oh shit...god damn that big red muppet...jeezus gawd I hope this isn't permanent...well, at least I'll be able to pee standing up now.

(Another unexplained sex change, this time upon arriving in Pagan)

Selece: Black Sword, kill this fat bastard for me.
Arcadion: Alas, master, I cannot. This one is too strong for me. His destiny lies elsewhere.
Selece: I'll give you a cookie.
Arcadion: ... ... ...Okay. *slash*
Batlin: Urk! *die*
Selece: Good daemon. Here you go.

(Don't we wish.)

Selece: AACK twitching disembodied hand...god, I hate this place... ...AAAAACK twitching disembodied leg...
Boydon's Head: Thou! Stop!
Selece: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH! *pant* *pant* Erstam?
Erstam: Yes?
Selece: Tell me now...are there ANY MORE little surprises like this in your house!? I HAVE NO MORE UNDERWEAR LEFT TO CHANGE INTO!

(Selece meets Boydon...or what's left of him)

Selece: Hmm...meat. Anyone hungry?
Iolo: I am!
Shamino: I could use a little food...
Dupre: I'll take some!
*all eat*
Selece: ...hmm, what's in this back room--AAAAAAAAAAHHH! *yak*
Shamino: *yak* *faint*
Dupre: Ohh! *yak*
Iolo: *starts chucking every bit of meat in inventory into the bushes*

(That infamous goblin slaughterhouse and the resulting scene not unlike the infamous Soylent plant scene in Xenogears. Moral of the story: eat no meat in Serpent Isle if you're not 100% sure what animal it came from.)

Selece: Here, kitty, kitty.
Shamino: I hate cats!
Selece: *glare* *snerk* Here, kitty kitty...
Shamino: Get that cat away from me...
Selece: Hee. Here, kitty kitty...good kitty. *scritch* *scritch* *guides Smudge toward Shamino*
Smudge: Meow. Purrr. *rubs on Shamino's leg*
Shamino: *trying to edge away* No. Shoo. Go on. Get. Shoo.
Selece: *picks Smudge up* Aww. Lookit. He's so cute!
Shamino: Eeeh. Don't you do it. Don't you dare.
Selece: Aww. He likes you! Here, hold him. *drops Smudge into Shamino's arms*
Smudge: Purrrrrrrrrr. *makes biscuits on Shamino's shoulder and nuzzles his ear*
Shamino: *cringe* *shudder* eeeeehh.
Selece: Oh, be a man, would you? You'd think you were holding a lit powder keg--
Smudge: *BLAM*
Shamino: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!!! *flees* Bloody cats!!
Selece: ... ... ...far out!

(having a good laugh at Shamino's expense...this, too, could be worse...)

Selece: Here, kitty kitty.
Shamino: I hate cats!
Sentri: *snerk* Afraid of a little pussy, Shamino?

(Admit it, you saw that one coming.)

Selece: Surprise!
Kylista: Oh! I'm so glad you came to visit me! Maybe we could become friends!
Selece: Lemme think about it...*picks up bucket of water on floor nearby* No. *sploosh*
Kylista: EEEK! My hair! I just had it done!
Dupre: Heh.

(Selece takes Kylista down a few notches in jail)

Iolo: Ahh. Home sweet home.
Shamino: Eww! What's that smell!? ...Iolo, why are there banana peels and chicken bones all over thy floor?
Iolo: Oh. I should have warned thee...it's a little cluttered.
Selece: A little cluttered!? Strewth, man, Smith keeps his stable cleaner than this! Gwenno is going to throw a shitfit when she gets home.
Dupre: *slips on banana peel while wearing full plate* AAH!! *crash*
Selece: We are cleaning this sty up. NOW.

(Fun with Iolo's nasty-ass house)

Selece: Eww, gross. Let's clean this place up a little. *picks up garbage*
Iolo: Is that virtuous?
Selece: ...it's trash. Of course it's virtuous to pick it up.
Dupre: It's not yours! Put it back!
Selece: Have you all gone nuts!? Lookit. Dead fish. Banana peel. Chicken bone. It's TRASH. I'm not stealing anything. *puts trash in bag*
Shamino: I do not travel with thieves. *walks off in a huff*
Selece: Okay, okay, fine, I'll humor you. Look, I put the nice dead fishy back where I found it so it can keep stinking the place up. Happy now!?
Iolo: Unhand those chicken bones as well, thieving scoundrel.
Selece: ...

(Cleanup of Lock Lake does not go as planned)

Selece: Nice axe.
Shaana: That is THE worst pick-up line I have ever heard.

(Don't even tell me that didn't even cross your mind in that conversation.)

Selece: Okay, look around, Shamino's gotta be here somewhere...*opens dresser drawer* Oh. My. God.
Dupre: What? A clue?
Selece: This is a "love palace," is it not?
Iolo: I think so, yes...
Selece: Oh. My. GAWD. The stuff in this drawer...a banana. A DIAPER. ... ...Is that a whip over there?
Iolo: ...why, yes, it is.
Selece: GAH!!
Dupre: Cool!
Selece: Don't. Even. Start.

(Selece makes some disturbing finds in Filbercio's love palace)

Rotoluncia: Urk! *die*
Selece: Great! Now where's Shamino?
Shamino: HELP!!
Selece: What the--
Dupre: It's coming from that cell.
Shamino: GET ME OUT OF HERE!
Selece: Where's the key?
Iolo: *digs key out of corpse's pocket* Is this it?
Shamino: SAVE ME!!!
Selece: Gimme! *unlocks cell door* Shamino? You okay?
Shamino: *flies out of cell shrieking...scoots under desk and curls up into a whimpering, shivering ball*
*fifty perfectly harmless adorable fuzzy baby kittens wander out of Shamino's cell mewing and playing with one another's tails and doing other cute kitten things*
Selece: Oh, fer crying out loud! Get out from under that desk, you big baby!
Shamino: can't sleep cats will eat me can't sleep cats will eat me can't sleep cats will eat me can't sleep...

(Actually, in my game Iolo got kidnapped; apparently I'm the only person this has ever happened to. But this scenario is all too plausible...)

Smith: Oh, when you go to rescue Lord British from the Underworld, don't forget his sandalwood box!
Selece: ...Great, Smith. Great. That would have been a very useful clue...YEARS AND YEARS AGO!
Smith: Well! You could at least say "thank you!"
Beh Lem: To think Smith would be very tasty in a white wine sauce with sauteed mushrooms. *grins and shows lots of sharp teeth*
Smith: !!! ... ... ...you need to fix the gargish lens, get a glass sword made into a human lens, stick the moonstones into the Vortex Cube...

(Something I REALLY wish could have happened.)

[This is what happens when Sarah plays U7 with "Dorkfish" playing on the stereo. Just when you think Shamino has done the dumbest thing a man can do...he surpasses it. He takes Amber deer hunting. The scene: a forest near Britain just before sunrise. It's the perfect time of day for deer hunters. It's dark. It's cold. Off in the distance, a turkey gobbles as he wakes up for the morning. In the distance, a squirrel scampers through the dead leaves. It's the perfect time of day. It's quiet...kind of...]

Amber: *sigh* What are we doing?
Shamino: We're waiting for the deer to show up, Poo. Shhh.
Amber: *annoyed "tsk" noise* ... ... ...What time do they show up?
Shamino: ...I, uh...I don't know. They didn't return the message to set up the meeting!! Now please be quiet!
Amber: *sigh* Shamino.
Shamino: What?
Amber: I have to pee.
Shamino: ...that tree over there looks a little dry. Watch out for poison ivy.

[The sun has come up, and in the clearing stands a buck, if he's ten points he's fifteen...]

Shamino: Hee hee hee...*drawing bow* thank you...oh, thank you...you are on the wall.
Amber: *very loudly* Oh! Isn't he CUTE! He looks like that toy you won at the carnival--
Deer: *perk!* !?
Shamino: *wince* Yes, I remember the toy, the cute little stuffed deer, now shut up!
Amber: Wh--you're not going to kill him, are you!?

[This is the part where Shamino just snaps.]

Shamino: WHAT DO YOU THINK I BROUGHT THIS BOW OUT HERE FOR!? Protection!? Do you think that deer might run over here and ROB US!?!
Amber: RUN, DEER! RUN!!!
Deer: *does so*

[Shamino is very quiet...but his teeth are grinding and he has turned an interesting shade of purple.]

Shamino: Well. I suppose we'll be having bread, cheese, and JERKY again tonight. Thank you, Amber.

(apologies to Bill Engvall.)

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