Chao Patties

Or: model/texture extractor + model viewer/exporter + 3D software + P-shop = wheeee

Really, this was just an excuse to play dressup with a gun turret and the Weighted Companion Cube.

 

---

 

 

 

 

NOTICE: This is an Aperture Science confidential internal document. In accordance with the terms of the Aperture Science Employee Non-Disclosure Agreement, the following are strictly prohibited:

• Removal of the document from the Aperture Science facility from whence it originated
• Discussion of the contents of the document with non-employees
• Discussion of the contents of the document with subordinate employees
• Discussion of the contents of the document with superior employees
• Discussion of the contents of the document with pets or houseplants
• Discussion of the contents of the document with inanimate objects, including and especially the Aperture Science Weighted Companion Cube
• Photocopying the document
• Electronically copying the document
• Manually copying the document
• Creating an audio or video recording of you or any other individual reading the document aloud
• Reading the document aloud
• Thinking too hard about the contents of the document in the presence of non-employees
• Folding, spindling, or mutilating the document
• Defacing the document (EXCEPTION: drawing of black teeth and mustaches on pictures contained within the document is permissible under high employee stress conditions, limited to one tooth or mustache per day)

Failure to comply with the Aperture Science Employee Non-Disclosure Agreement will result in an official letter of reprimand being added to your permanent employee record, followed by death.

 

 

 

---

 

Aperture Science and Ruggell Toys: Partners in Science Education and Fun 

As you know, Aperture Science is committed to community service, particularly in sparking an interest in science in our children. In keeping with this commitment, the Aperture Science Research and Development Department is pleased to announce its partnership with Ruggell Toys in producing a line of science activity kits for children, projected to begin in Q4 2009 with the release of the Ruggell/Aperture Science Bubblie™ Dream Gun Turret Kit.

 

 

The Bubblie™ Dream Gun Turret Kit will help teach young girls the mechanical, electronics, and problem-solving skills they will need for a successful career in science. Kit requires assembly. Kit includes turret chassis, turret motherboard with Aperture Science Gun Turret Logic Processor model AS-CPU-182,  gun assembly, accessory circuit boards, optical sensor, lithium ion rechargeable battery, adhesive plastic gems, decal sheet, charging station, programming manual, PC interface cable and software, 200 rounds live 9mm ammunition, and coupon for one (1) ammunition refill. Soldering iron, multimeter, oscilloscope, acetylene welding torch, and USB cable (not included) required for assembly and programming. Bubblie™ Dream Gun Turret Testing Range sold separately. Kit will be available in Bubblie™ Pink Glitter (pictured), Pearl Powder Blue, and Lustrous Lilac.

Proposed Variants of the Aperture Science Weighted Companion Cube

 

Although most test subjects displayed a favorable response to the standard Aperture Science Weighted Companion Cube (see Enrichment Center Test Chamber 17 data), some subjects treated the Companion Cube with indifference or hostility. The Aperture Science Research and Development Department, after considerable and extensive research and psychiatric testing of subjects, proposes several variations on the standard Companion Cube, which may be offered if the test subject does not respond favorably to the standard Companion Cube.

Our first attempt blended the "manufactured" aesthetics of the Weighted Companion Cube with human features, based on the hypothesis that test subjects would better identify with a more human-appearing object. Unfortunately, this particular variant seemed to have an effect exactly the opposite of that we had hoped for. Most test subjects regarded the Aperture Science Variant Companion Cube Mk. 1 with suspicion and apprehension at first sight, would spend no more time than absolutely necessary in close proximity to the cube, and reacted with relief and gratitude when directed to incinerate it. Several test subjects displayed paranoid tendencies when near the Mk. 1 and refused to perform certain bodily functions in its vicinity.

 

 In general, test subjects associated an intense feeling of "being watched" with this particular cube variant. The Aperture Science Research and Development Department has been unable as of yet to determine exactly why our test subjects have reacted so unfavorably to this particular variant.

Overall, the best-received variant was the Aperture Science Luxury Companion Cube--or, as it was lovingly and unofficially referred to by several testers, the Phat Bling Cube.

 

 

The Luxury Companion Cube is constructed of 24K gold, piano-finished genuine ebony wood, and over 20,000 Swarovski crystals per cube. In every case, test subjects risked their own health and safety to protect the Luxury Companion Cube from harm, believing they would be able to keep it after completion of the testing activity. Many broke down and wept for several days when forced to incinerate it.

However, the Luxury Companion Cube has potential as a commercially available consumer product; the Aperture Science Marketing Department is currently negotiating with several possible outlets. Strong commercial sales will help to offset the exorbitant cost of producing the Luxury Companion Cube.

Development of the Aperture Science Weighted Erotic Companion Cube is approximately 2.37 months ahead of schedule, owing in part to the abundance of volunteers for testing. Unfortunately, due to state and federal decency laws, we are unable to include uncensored photographs of this product or the testing process in this report.

 

 However, interested parties over the age of 21 may obtain further information about this product directly from the Aperture Science Research and Development Department by e-mailing a copy of a photo ID, your Aperture Science employee ID, and your major credit card information to the R&D team. Your information packet will arrive in a discreetly labeled plain brown box and no uncomfortable questions will be asked. 

Finally, we have received reports that what appears to be a severely damaged and defaced Aperture Science Weighted Companion Cube has been seen in several undisclosed locations by several undisclosed persons:

 

 

The Aperture Science Research and Development Team asserts that this is not an authorized Aperture Science product and is, in fact, a counterfeit product. Do not purchase, barter for, accept as a gift, or otherwise acquire this product. If you encounter this product, call the Aperture Science Intellectual Property Defense Team at 888-[elided] and leave the 30 km blast zone surrounding the product immediately. Under no circumstances should you attempt to apprehend the product yourself. If you are found in possession of this product, your employment with Aperture Science will be immediately terminated, concurrent with termination of your life. Keep hands, feet, and head at least one meter away from the product. If the product could speak, and preliminary findings indicate that it cannot, it may express a desire to consume certain bodily organs. Attempts to fulfill such requests may be harmful or fatal.

< Prev		Next >