Chao Patties

Weirdness and mischief in Black Gate/Forge of Virtue.

Note: if you want a full "how to misbehave in Ultima" walkthrough, you need to go here.  

Fun with Dirty Diapers

Upon arriving in Britain, I immediately set out looking for Sentri and Shamino to add them to my merry band. Now there was a little trick involving dirty diapers that I'd heard about, and naturally I headed straight for the castle nursery to change that leaky baby and procure some soiled nappies.

My first victim: Sentri.

So then I decided to try this out on someone who wasn't in my party. Now who would be my next victim? Hmm...perhaps we should go see what sort of wife Amber will end up being to Shamino when he finally does decide to settle down...

Savegame name: "Poo Poo Head, indeed!"

Now a most curious and unsettling thing happened. While Amber did indeed scream like a girl and flee as far as the confines of the stage would allow, she did not beg for mercy as Sentri had...in fact, she flat-out threatened me! I think she was hip to the possibility that the (female) Avatar might be trying to move in on her man.

She also stayed in the corner and bitched about it a lot longer than Sentri had previously.

Shamino did not question the virtue of my actions, nor did he make the slightest attempt to stick up for Amber. He didn't even seem the least bit displeased with me.

In fact, that evening at the inn, it was he who wished me pleasant dreams.

Judging by how relieved Shamino seems when you ask him to join your party, I'd guess that he and Amber were probably not the happiest couple in Britain.

The Avatar Goes To Work in the Food Service Industry

Savegame name: "Eat Me."

The party was starving. The party was also, unfortunately, flat broke.

We needed money, and fast. I was determined not to steal or cheat, but enemies bearing cash were scarce at this point.

So Selece first tried getting her hands into some dough. Bread dough, that is.

When I put a blob of dough in the oven, someone would warn me not to overcook it. So naturally, when the blob of dough turned to bread, I removed it from the oven and set it on a nearby table.

"Is that virtuous!?" Iolo yelped.

Okay, maybe I moved a loaf I didn't bake by accident. Let's try again...

"Avatar!?"

What the hell!?

After several loaves, I figured out that Willy would come take the bread out of the oven himself if it was left there. But messing with Iolo proved to be quite amusing...

So much for my career as a baker. We were now not quite so broke, but the entire party including the Avatar was now bitching and grumbling about how hungry they were.

During the very brief course of that career, I had made a whopping five gold. Oooo. Well, I can buy a leg of mutton with that. Or some carrots.

Wait, it's dinner time! Off we went to the castle to bum a free meal. In speaking to Boots, I learned that she was willing to pay me 5 gold for every leg of mutton I brought her. I did the math. A 40% profit! Sure!

Off I went to the farmer's market to buy a leg of mutton for 3 gold. Back to the castle to sell it for 5. Back to the market, back to the castle. And so on and so forth ad nauseam. Yes, this seems like a painfully slow way to make money. But...

Start with 6 gold. Buy two legs of mutton. Sell. Have 10 gold.

Buy three legs of mutton. Sell. Have 16 gold.

Buy five legs of mutton. Sell. Have 26 gold.

Buy eight legs of mutton. Sell. Have 42 gold.

After a while, it starts adding up very fast.

Have 60 gold. Buy 20 legs of mutton. Have no gold. Sell mutton. Have 100 gold.

And so on.

Selece's Mutton Delivery was a success, and remained in business until I joined the Fellowship and went to Buc's Den to make some serious dough in the Rat Race.

But as one could understand, this was terribly boring.

So to break up the monotony, I paid a visit to Brownie and offered to haul pumpkins for him.

Selece, Woman of Steel, managed to carry one entire stack of large pumpkins and several of the small ones in addition to the crap that was already in her pack. Shamino, being nearby, got drafted to schlep the rest. Found Brownie toiling in the field and got paid one crown for each pumpkin. 27 gold, to be exact. Well, that's not bad! And there's a whole field full of pumpkins right there!

Hey, wait a minute, those pumpkins won't budge. Oh, balls. Back to delivering mutton.

Hunting Without Bloodshed

You don't get the Pickpocket spell in U7, but you do get the cheat system.

Go to New Magincia. Follow sheep around. Alt-4 them. Watch as the mutton magically falls out of the sheep and onto the ground. The sheep don't seem to notice or care that you have removed large chunks of their flesh; they just keep wandering around as they always do. No messy carcasses to clean up, no Karma hits to make up later, and the sheep don't feel a thing! This is so much more humane, wouldn't you agree?

This also works on cows and deer. Actually, it works on anything you can kill for food.

Killing Lord British

Everyone knows how to kill Lord British in U7 by now, right? Right? No? Okay.

The first, and funniest, way is with the plaque. See that plaque hanging over the door to the throne room? The one that says--wait for it--"The Throne Room of Lord British?" At certain times during the day, LB will stand under it for no readily apparent reason. If he's standing under the plaque, double-click it. The Guardian is very pleased with you if you do this. Between the Big Red Muppet praising me and the distinct "bong!" sound of the plaque braining Lord British, I was in tears.

Now, when you do this, a random Companion will shriek, "Yancey-Hausmann will pay for this!" I couldn't figure out who this was for the longest time. And then I recently noticed a sign in the window of a vacant store, in a nearby strip mall, with that very name upon it and a phone number to call for lease information. And it all became clear. See, this whole mess is based on a true story, in which a plaque fell off the wall in the Origin building and beaned Richard Garriott. Origin and I are both in Texas. Yancey-Hausmann appears to deal in commercial properties. Mystery solved!

You can also commit regicide with the Black Sword. Just get up next to Mr. Nose and tell Arcadion to do him in. It's not as funny...unless you're playing with a female Avatar. At one point, Arcadion speaks through the Avatar. And apparently, someone at OSI forgot to allow for a female Avatar running LB through with the Black Sword--the Avatar's speech portrait will be male regardless of the gender of your Avatar, putting forth the appearance that Arcadion gives a female Avatar a temporary sex change while he's doing the deed. This is why you should never truck with daemons, boys and girls.

Either way, be sure to read his will afterwards. It seems that Shamino was not the only one with a few wild oats left to sow.

Watch That Combat Mode Thing...

I started on Forge of Virtue a little later in the game than most people probably do, mainly because I forgot where LB said the Golden Ankh was parked and he wouldn't tell me again.

After getting the Black Sword, I went back to the Test of Courage to finish the job on the dragon. Now the first time I faced the dragon, I'd taken the whole party in. Pandemonium had ensued. None of my companions died...because they had all run like hell, leaving in their wake a trail of weapons, armor, and equipment, some of which I never saw again.

If you want something done right, you've gotta do it yourself.

Once I had the Black Sword, I went back to finish the job. I left the rest of the party in the hall so they wouldn't flee in terror and drop even more shit as they did, and went in to finish the dragon off on my own. Arcadion did his thing, Dracothraxus went down for the Big Dirt Nap, and I went back to where my party waited and double-clicked on Shamino...forgetting that I was still in combat mode. Why I'd even entered combat mode was a mystery. I can only chalk it up to stupidity.

Shamino charged me with his sword drawn and proceeded to open up a can of Ass Whoop. But that wasn't all. The rest of the party jumped into the fray then.

Just out of curiosity, I quickly turned on the Power Avatar option in the cheat menu just to see how long they'd pound on me. Once I got bored, I reloaded. And had to go kill Dracothraxus again. Sigh.

Domestic Engineering

Iolo's house, to put it mildly, is a pigsty.

The first thing I did was designate one of the empty barrels in Smith's stable as the trash can.

Then I emptied out Spark's backpack and distributed the stuff therein among the rest of the party. Spark's backpack then became the temporary trash bin.

We started in the bedroom. Those clothes all over the floor went into the desk drawer or on the bed. What didn't fit there went in the trash.

I also took the liberty of picking up the swamp boots and kidney belt that were cluttering the room up.

Then we went to work in the main room. Food that was still edible was pocketed; trash went into Spark's backpack.

I later learned that I could have turned Hackmover on to get rid of the sawdust in the workshop as well, but didn't think of it then.

Once all the trash was picked up, we returned to Smith's stable and emptied Spark's backpack-turned-trash bag into the designated trash barrel.

Ahh. Much better.

Wisp-Baiting (thanks to Paul Wong)

[Note: I haven't tried this yet. But boy, it sounds like a roaring good time. In Mr. Wong's words, I present: fun with angry Wisps.]

When I used to play Ultima, I was a very serious Avatar. That is, I really got into the role of being the champion of Virtue in Britannia. But even the best Avatar will occasionally stray from the path, and when I strayed, I veered the group miles off target. The following is a confession of something that I used to do in The Black Gate.

I called it Wisp-Baiting at the time.

a) Go to the forest of Yew at around evening. If you can, time it so that by the time you walk back to Britain, it will be just in time for the Fellowship meeting.

b) Smack a wisp and turn off combat mode or your companions will keep attacking it. Now you know Wisps can't be killed normally, right? Great. Drag the wisp all the way to Britain.

c) Say 'Hello' to the Fellowship Members at the biggest Fellowship Hall in all of Britannia. They won't help you with your problem, unless...unless you cast Mass Charm on the assembly. When that happens, Holy Moly!

d) Everyone gets up and attacks the wisp, even Batlin. When the charm wears off, they'll call for help and, oh-my-god, the guards start pouring in to help. So you have Fellowship members, guards, walls of fire everywhere, one teleporting undying Wisp, and a battle-crazed Batlin, all clambering around, fighting away.

e) Sooner or later, Batlin will accidentally stray a bolt to a guard or a villager. I especially like it when that annoying armourer takes one in the back. This is where the real fun starts. The guards start to hate Batlin. Some villagers will take Batlin's side, others will fight the guards.

f) More guards appear to take the place of the ones that have fallen in pointless battle. After a while, Batlin puts two and two together and tries to target you. Too bad, there are guards everywhere, trying to get into the Fellowship Hall. He can't get to you if you know where to stand.

g) Bodies start piling up everywhere. Here's a spectator's tip: Avoid having the guards fight Batlin on the threshold. Everytime this has happened, the pile of bodies piles up so high that it blocks the entrance. That is a bad thing because when Batlin runs out of guards, he'll come after you. Guards are no good to you running around on the roof outside trying to get in. You want them taking the bolts for you. Trust me on this.

If everything works, get some popcorn and sit back. Wisp-Baiting works for Castle Britannia too, by the way.

a) The timing is different - you need to pull the Wisp in during dinner time for maximum carnage. How to Host a Murder? Well, close enough - Lord British is your unwitting assassin.

b) Mass Charm the residents. Bedlam ensues. Lord British actually gets the guards all over him faster than Batlin because his attack covers an area. Ever see half the nursery charge Lord British? If only I could find a reliable way of repeating that. If Lord British takes out the children too quickly, use some dirty diapers on him.

c) Spectator Tips: Lord British is sillier than Batlin. He usually doesn't realise that you caused this mess, and will happily continue to blast guards that come for him without attacking your group. I've even had him clear out the nursery before charging my stalwart band. I guess he really didn't like the nursery all that much.

Special Bonus Points:

a) Once you have a nice party going in the castle, zap the Wisp a few times to get its attention. Remember nothing hurts these guys, but they'll pay attention to you. Run with the Wisp, Lord British, his guards, the nursery, and Boots. Drag them all the way to, you guessed it:

The Fellowship Hall.

b) Spectator's Tip: You'll need to have some resources in hold the battle in the castle long enough for the Fellowship meeting to begin. Bring plenty of healing potions and bandages. That wisp will generally choose to attack members of your group over guards and civilians. If possible, deck everyone out in magic armour and defensive weapons, like shields and Swords of Defense. Don't forget to check your watch from time to time - you don't want to miss the start of the meeting.

c) The rest is pretty simple - judicious use of Mass Charm and... Holy Thunderbolts! Fellowship members jump out of their chairs to help you. Lord British is torn between fighting guards and fighting the wisp. Batlin whips out his bolt spells. The air crackles with electricity. Someone so much as sneezes in the wrong direction and someone's going to get hurt.

d) Usually it's Lord British that 'accidentally' plants an explosion next to Batlin, but your mileage may vary. When that happens, the fun really begins as those two, who can't be killed normally, turn on each other. Lord British versus Batlin. Very nice. Just make sure the guard bodies don't pile up at the entrance and you'll be fine. The fight will last until you get bored.

e) Spectator's Tip: Although it may seem that Batlin is harmless when exchanging magical fire with Mr Nose, do not get in the way of the cross fire. His Death Bolt may not work on LB, but it works perfectly on any members of your group, including the Avatar.

Well, there you go. My private and shameful secret.

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