Chao Patties

Ultima VII • PG • gen

"That is precisely the thing to do, Avatar!"

In which Lord British croaks. Curse you, Yancey-Hausmann!

Warning: character death, obvs.

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"The Throne Room Of Lord British," proclaimed the plaque.

The plaque had always seemed a little crooked, as it if was barely clinging to the stone wall on which it resided. Worse, it was situated right over a doorway...one Lord British seemed to enjoy standing in for some odd reason, right around midday. None bothered to question this; the man was King, after all, and the King could stand wherever in his castle he bloody well wished whenever he bloody well wished.

"How may I help thee, Selece?" the ruler asked, as he stood in said doorway one fair afternoon. Dupre set the lifeless body of poor Spark down gently on the floor.

"Well, you see, M'lord..." Selece began, and she saw out of the corner of her eye that the aforementioned plaque appeared to be hanging a bit more precariously than usual, "it's Spark. He's up and died in the Test of Courage."

One of the rivets securing the plaque to the stone fell, dropping to the hard floor with a barely-audible "ting." Another seemed just about to go.

Lord British nodded gravely. "Then I will resurrect him--"

"Uh--" Sentri squinted at the plaque. "My Lord, this thing looks to be a little crooked..." Before the Avatar could protest, Sentri reached up and poked the plaque with the tip of his halberd. The tiny nudge would set the precariously-perched plaque right once more, and then all would be fine and the plaque would be forgotten and it would be back to business as usual.

This is how it would have happened in a perfect world. Unfortunately for all involved, Britannia in this day and age was about as far removed from perfect as a world could be short of crumbling into specks of cosmic dust.

"That is precisely the thing to do, Avatar!" chirped the Guardian's unbelievably pleased--and amused--voice from somewhere in the Ether as the remaining rivets gave way. The plaque fell, striking Lord British squarely in the skull with a sound like an apple dropped onto a hard floor. Lord British fell in a similar manner, as did Selece's jaw.

"M'lord!?" Selece knelt down and shook Lord British by the shoulder.

"He's knocked out!" Tseramed exclaimed. Selece shook her head and whimpered, eyes wide in disbelief and one hand covering a mouth wide open in shock.

"No he's not--he's dead!"

Iolo stared incredulously at Sentri. "Oh my God!" he blurted. "You killed Lord British!"

"You bastard!" Dupre blurted in turn.

This only served to send Selece into a fit of hysterical giggling.

Shamino rubbed his forehead and sighed. "Nice going, Sentri. You could have waited till he brought Spark back, you know--" He caught sight of the shocked Avatar shrieking and giggling behind a muffling hand and gaped at her. "WHY ARE YOU LAUGHING!? This isn't funny!"

"I can't help it!" Selece wheezed back, tears streaming from her eyes. "If I don't laugh, I'm going to scream."

"Keep it down, then!" Shamino pleaded. " People are starting to stare!"

"Sorry..." Selece cleared her throat and slowly, ever so slowly, got herself under control.

Sentri sheepishly leaned the incriminating halberd against the nearest wall and stepped away from it. "Ah...sorry..."

"This sucks. This really sucks." Selece looked at the two corpses on the floor and grumbled sourly. "Iolo, how much money do we have?"

Iolo made a quick tally. "Two hundred and some odd change, milady. And those gold nuggets from the headlesses. And a few gems, I think. Should be enough to raise one of them."

"Swell." Selece rubbed her eyes. "Spark? Sorry, kid, but you're gonna have to stay dead a little longer. Shamino, you want to give me a hand with Lord British? We gotta go get him resurrected before anyone else notices." Shamino looked at her as if she'd grown a third eye.

"What, are we just going to drag him through the streets to the healer!?"

Selece frowned...and the gears turned in her brain, churning out the plan for the biggest government coverup this side of Roswell. "Eh. On second thought, that probably wouldn't be a good idea. Everyone give Iolo your money. Shamino, help me drag him back in there and set him on the throne before he goes stiff. Iolo, go cash in the gems and the gold nuggets. Tseramed, go get the healer. Sentri, go get a mop and clean up the blood, and for God's sake don't touch anything else...oh, and put Spark somewhere, we don't need two dead bodies lying around. Dupre, tell all the witnesses he's fine, just knocked out cold--"

"--very cold," Shamino interjected. Selece shot him a pained look.

"--and he'll be up and kicking in a bit. And everyone please be discreet. Nobody, and I mean nobody, is going to know what just happened here except us, the healer, and maybe Lord British if he remembers anything when he comes to. Get going--"

As Selece and Shamino hauled the corpse of the king off the floor, a scroll slipped from the folds of his robe and landed at Selece's feet. "What's this?" she mused, picking the scroll up. "His will? Hmm..."

Her curiosity got the best of her, and she read it.

And immediately wished she hadn't.

"This..." Her eyes were wide, her jaw had dropped to the floor once more, and she shook her head in disbelief. "Way too much information. I did not need to know this." She passed the scroll to Dupre, who read it as well and gave forth a similar reaction.

"Didn't think the old man had it in him," he commented as he passed the scroll to Iolo, who naturally read it as well. His face registered an equal amount of disbelief...and no small amount of amusement.

"I don't think I want to be in town when they read this out," he chuckled, passing it to Shamino, who took it with his free hand, read, and appeared to be making a concerted effort to remember the gravity of the situation and keep a straight face.

"Oh. Oh my." He fought back a laugh and handed the scroll off to Sentri. "I guess I wasn't the only one with a few wild oats left to sow..."

Sentri, by now wanting nothing more than to curl up into a mortally embarrassed ball and burrow under the floor, gingerly took the scroll and read as well. His commentary on the subject pretty much summed up the whole ghastly situation.

"Oh shit."

Tseramed read over his shoulder and gasped. "This is a Bad Thing, isn't it?" he asked, plucking the scroll from Sentri's fingers and handing it back to Selece. Selece carefully stuffed it back into the pocket from whence it had come.

"As I said," she replied, "nobody is going to know about it. Everyone go. Go go go."

And with that, the party members went their separate ways to perform their separate duties.

 

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