Warning: I’m going to talk about my boobs

  • 18 May 2009

So let me ask you something:

Why is it that women who have no boobs or small boobs can just walk into any retailer that even has a half-ass lingerie department and scoop up an armload of sports bras, many of which are probably $20 or less and do their jobs very well, but those of us who actually need them can barely find any that fit and support worth a shit for less than $50 and usually have to search high and low to find the damn things in the first place?

[cut for ranting about boobs, feel free to skip]

I am talking to you in particular, Lane Bryant, you with your two items in your “sports bra” category, one of which is only available in a 40H and the other of which is, uh, not a fucking sports bra, but also to–well, pretty much the whole bra industry.

Oh sure, I’ve got a few that fit. I have several that I wear as tops over other bras when I work out at home, but they support about as well as a slightly snug T-shirt. I got really lucky and found one that fit and supported for $5 on the clearance rack at Academy one day, but I’ve lost about 40 pounds since I got it and now it doesn’t fit so well anymore.

Usually, what I end up doing to control the girls is–well, I double-bag ‘em. Slightly-too-small regular bra with a cheapo Hanes sports bra on top of it. And that works for DDR, it works for light to moderate aerobics and whathaveyou, but you know what it doesn’t work worth shit for?

Running.

I would really like to be able to run. I dream about it all the time. The best I can manage is a slow, shuffling jog; anything faster than that, anything resembling an actual run makes the girls dance in ways Nature did not intend, ways that are uncomfortable at best. The combination of shuffle-jogging like an idiot and the whole Sarah And Her Two Dancing Girls thing also makes me not want to run where any other human beings might see me. You can probably imagine the shit one hears. I got made fun of enough in high school and the military. I don’t want to hear it anymore.

And if you’re thinking about suggesting I just get over it and learn to not care who’s watching, please go find two standard-size round balloons, fill them with water until they’re about 6″ across, stuff them into your shirt, and go for a jog.

Oh, and have fun trying to find a bra to stuff them in. Which brings me back to my original problem.

If you’re, say, a 36C, here’s how you go about buying a sports bra:

1. Go to store with bras
2. Take bra off shelf
3. Try bra on
4. Buy bra
5. Go home.

If you’re a 38DDD (read: me), here’s how you go about buying a sports bra:

1. Wait for the paycheck when no bills are due
2. Go to one of three stores in area that might have sports bra in my size
3. Fail to find a single one in stock and go to the next store
4. Find one that kind of fits but does not support
5. Find one that would support if it fucking fit
6. Give up, try the Intarwebs
7. Find sports bra that theoretically fits and supports
8. Buy bra
9. Wait 3-14 days for bra to arrive
10. Try bra on
11. If bra is not satisfactory, jump through whatever hoops retailer requires for a return or exchange
12. Repeat ad nauseam until satisfactory bra is obtained or you’re tired of fucking with it and decide to make do with whatever mediocre bra you ended up with rather than deal with one more customer service department

It is just fucking ridiculous, is what it is.

I cannot for the life of me understand why anyone would want DD+ boobs. If you are even thinking about implants, let me just tell you right now: DON’T DO IT. FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, DON’T DO IT.

I hate to be the one to break this to you, ladies, but huge boobs are not fun. They make it impossible or at least very difficult for you to find bathing suits, workout clothes, sports bras, and a number of other things that fit. They make it impossible or at least very uncomfortable for you to engage in a number of athletic activities. And if you have ever even considered having implants of that size, you are fucking stupid.

tl;dr: I JUST WANT TO GO BUY A GODDAMN SPORTS BRA THAT WORKS OFF A RACK AND NOT HAVE TO PAY $50+ FOR IT, IS THAT TOO MUCH TO ASK

(Actually, what I’d love to do is have a reduction and solve this whole problem. Except I don’t have $30K lying around, and I doubt the VA would cover it because I’m not having back problems, and to be honest I would really rather not have something like this done by the goddamn VA anyway, and the last time I talked to a doctor about it I was 15-16 years old, 5′ 4″, and 130 pounds and was told that if I just lost some weight, they would shrink.

Which is bullshit. Losing weight does not make the boobs any smaller. It doesn’t work that way. At least it doesn’t in my family. I was a 40DDD at 190 pounds, I’m a 36DDD at 165 pounds right now, and I was a 34DDD at 130 pounds. Maybe losing 200-300 pounds would make a difference in cup size, I don’t know, but the amount we’re talking about makes no fucking difference at all. All losing weight does is make it even harder to find a sports bra that fits–or really, any bra that fits, I don’t think I’ve ever seen anything smaller than a 38 in a DDD-cup at Lane Bryant.)

5 Comments

  1. jecook - May 18, 2009 at 8:00 pm

    I have several friends that have the exact. same. problem.

    I’ll ping them next time I see them and ask where they get their stuff at.

  2. John C. Welch - May 18, 2009 at 9:39 pm

    Having dated women with varying degrees of your issue, yeah…there’s no good answer at all, which is you know, kind of surprising, because I think if someone did come up with a decent sports bra for the EL GRANDE BOOBED, they could probably make a tidy bit of change, esp. if they were able to not charge $50 per bra.

  3. olukemi - May 18, 2009 at 11:58 pm

    I feel your pain, really I do. With a 50E chest, I can’t even go to Lane Bryant for bras any more. And it’s not even worth it with their prices. I have found a couple of places that are better, but, they’re online. BUT, I have yet to be disappointed. HerRoom.com and Alwaysforme.com. I put a great deal of stock in the customer reviews and they’ve been pretty spot on. I hope your search pans out. Fight the good fight.

  4. Serenity - May 20, 2009 at 5:38 am

    I have a pretty good idea how you feel. I’m a 38DD, and it sucks. It is impossible to find a sports bra that works on my budget (which is tiny because I’m a full time college student). Which is not only an issue for exercise, but also because my boyfriend wants me to go running with him sometime, and despite the fact that he is fairly intelligent, the idea that running without a sports bra is asking for trouble (and pain) is something that he seems to have trouble grasping.

    Hmmm… maybe I’ll try your water balloon boob idea… *evil grin*

  5. Jess - May 22, 2009 at 1:37 am

    Have you tried Junonia? I have their Goddess sports bra and it works great for keeping my 48C boobs from hitting me in the face when I run. It does cost $50, but it’s worth it.

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